HOW TO AVOID AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR SPOUSE or HOW TO PREVENT ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – Anthony Robbins
Is it that most of the time you want something but your spouse wants something else and that leads to conflict or unhealthy discussion?
Is it that you have taken a wrong decision and later you realized that you must have taken input from your spouse?
Is it that you have to fight with your spouse on one or another topic?
Is it that your spouse complains that you don’t listen to them?
I have written this article to explain to you how to avoid an argument with your spouse.
Now first let’s look into why do we fight with others in general. If you see our mind grows in 2 ways one by reading the book and others by meeting people. Now all of us have read different books and have met different people in our life. Because of this, we all have a different mindset. Even husband and wife have different midset as they have read a different book and have met different people.
Because of this different mindset people have different views on each and everything. Now in a long term relationship like marriage husband and wife has to do a lot of things together. Like they have to eat the same food, sleep on the same bed, use the same house, go to watch the same movie, etc. But doing the same thing with different mindset produce friction and conflict. This is the main reason for the argument between husband and wife.
To develop a good attitude in yourself which will answer how to avoid an argument with your spouse you can read one famous book by John Maxwell “winning with people” you can buy that book at Winning with people
The only solution to this conflict is one has to learn to think from another person’s perspective. One has to learn to give respect to another person’s point of view. Naturally we inclined to give more importance to our point of view. We measure ourselves as we intend to do and others as they perform. Generally what we ought to do is higher then what we perform. This is why we give benefit of doubt to us and not to others.
For example when we play cricket we all want to hit century but not all the time we are able to hit century right? So what we intend / ought to do is higher than what we perform.
So because of the different mindset of husband and wife there is friction and conflict. This is unavoidable one just has to learn how to handle it well.
Marriages are a bond based on true feelings, care, and love. When we talk about marriage trust is the first thing that comes to our mind, that for a successful marriage there should be trust and much understanding for each other and it is true that for a marriage to be successful both the partners should be a good listener and understanding at the same point.
Sometimes things don’t go the way we expect them to be, there must be situations where you would have or can have trust issues or less understanding for your partner because you feel you are right and these things might lead to differences in the partners and widening the gap between them and breaking them apart.
Sometimes you should be better aware of what your partner wants from you and try not being dominant over him/her, it will lead to a relationship being one-sided only. You every time don’t have to keep yourself upper than your partner just because your ego may get hurt by this, try to listen to your partner’s problems and try fixing/solving it with keeping less hatred in your heart and more of love even if you are in between an argument.
When you are for a long term with somebody, arguments and fights are prone to happen there’s no exception to that, some way or the other, you can point your partner’s mistake but you don’t have to make those arguments bitter and make you feel separated from your spouse. You need to solve them with polite nature and after completing your complaint you also have to listen to your partner and not just avoid or ignore their opinion.
I have one video on how to avoid an argument with your spouse which you can watch.
To answer how to avoid an argument with your spouse one important point is growing attitude, I have a YouTube Channel also where I post the video on attitude and character and you can subscribe it through: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYGdbB_F0qii4Zo_rn-rCyg/videos?view_as=subscriber
Here are some ways on how to avoid an argument with your spouse or even if it happens, you can better understand them and not only blame them every Time:
We must understand that we all have a different mindset
Whatever another person is saying they are right from their mindset. Let say a kid is asking for chocolate he is right from his mindset. Because he just understands that eating chocolate is fun, he does not know that it will spoil his teeth and will give him a cavity which will give pain in the future. So the kid is right as per his knowledge and understanding.
So we must listen to others and try to understand their mindset. We must always be curious to understand another person’s mindset. If we get into an argument with our spouse the first thing which we must do is to take their view and try to understand their mindset.
When you have any complaints or problems from them, first relax and think about it from their thought of mind. Try to think why your spouse did this or why they are behaving like this and show your feelings to them, they will surely understand when you will be polite with your words.
We must not think that our view is only right:
Now once we try to understand another person’s point of view we will find that there is a difference of opinion. In a different opinion, we must not think that our view is only right.
For example let say you have to decide on where to go on vacation. You think that your family must go to the hill station. Let say your spouse suggests that hill station might not be a good idea because your kids might get cold. You know that your spouse is generally more caring and because of that they are suggesting not to go for a hill station but you just cannot ignore their point of view. We either have to take all the safeguards for your kid from cold or if the weather is extreme then you might have to cancel your opinion of going to the hill station.
We must work on thinking through their point of view. We need to figure out whether their point is valid or not. If their input is genuine input then we must think about how to accommodate their point of view in our thought process. This will stretch our minds to think thoroughly.
We must be ready to completely discard our viewpoint
We have understood where they are coming from and taken their viewpoint also but many times we must be ready to completely discard our viewpoint. Let say in the vacation example when your spouse suggested that we must not go to the hill station then if you also figure out that the cold weather will not be healthy for your kids then you must be ready to completely discard our intention of enjoying cold weather for our family. We must be willing to change our views for our family members.
If we are not willing to change then it will produce friction. We will say to our spouse that you always cancel my plan and nothing goes as per my intention and ultimately you will fight. So for the betterment of our family members, we must be ready to discard our intention.
We must care for our family, we all must be empathetic for our family.
We all must care for our family. we all must have positive thought for our family which is “my family member must enjoy” because if they will enjoy I will automatically enjoy. If we will have that thought then we will always take their opinion. We will always want to choose which make all the family member happy. Let say your family says that they will enjoy on sea beech then you must have a thought that you will enjoy where your family will enjoy. If you will be so empathetic with your family then there will be no disagreement.
To become empathetic which means that you will enjoy where your family will enjoy for that we must think positively that “I want to keep my family happy”. If we repeat this statement again and again then whenever we make them happy we will automatically become happy. Because of repeating this thought our happiness will be in making them happy.
You must have observed that many people are happy in serving others because they keep saying to themselves that if others are happy then I am happy and many are happy in serving themselves because they have a thought that whenever they fulfill their senses then they are happy, So you see happiness is in the thought. You can learn this by watching the video: how to remain always happy.
If we are empathetic then we will go and ask our family members where they want to go and where they will enjoy and we will choose the thing which they will enjoy.
Stop complaining about small things every time
You should express your problems to your spouse and even complain to them but it is not always necessary to point out little things and fight on that which may lead to a big argument, some things can be avoided also. It will also make your relationship better with your spouse by not stretching on little things and this may lead them to get irritated.
Whenever we have to convey any point then we must do it in an encouraging manner. We must have a mindset of improving our spouse rather than punishing them. If we have the mindset of improving them then automatically we will stop complaining about small things because we know as human beings everyone does mistakes and that is perfectly fine. We also make a lot of small mistakes.
If your argument becomes heated then don’t revert negatively
Even if you are mad or angry with your partner, never let that madness turn into something abusive and words which may directly hurt your partner. You have to be wise with your words, even when you cannot control your anger.
When your partner is angry at you, you need to be the bigger person and handle them by making them calm but if you do not stop your arguments and blaming when they are angry at you, that will only make things worse for you and your partner will get irritated by you and this repeated irritation will one day come up with hatred for you.
Always try taking out the bigger person in you and apologize to your partner and love them. Your relationship with your spouse should never be the one that is indulged in egoistic behavior. Ego kills relationships very easily and most of the time, you still don’t regret it because your ego is so big for you.
I post a lot of text and video on Facebook which will make you understand how to avoid an argument with your spouse. You can visit my Facebook page, you can find all my videos and I update it regularly: https://www.facebook.com/pg/betterworldsjp/videos/?ref=page_internal
Not every time you can be wrong, your partner can also be at fault many times but you should not cross some limits during an argument, don’t just go on screaming or shouting at your partner without listening to his side of the story. Making yourself loud will not prove you right in front of your partner.
When you have been in a fight, try to give time to your partner to relax and calm down, to love you back again like earlier. By making them forced to talk to you or love you, they may do it for your sake but will they be forced to do so and not by their will or choice.
Be aware of the little things your partner wants from you
Not every time your spouse can or may express, what they actually want from you. So, you should be aware of these little things like when they want your attention, care, and love. Most of the time some people want more attention and pampering from their spouse which you may neglect by saying it as a kiddish behavior but this may hurt your partner and he may never demand these things again from you.
Try to give your partner the time they want from you
You should give equal time to your partner which they give you, do not be busy all the time with your work or something else that you miss time for your partner. many times you will come across situations where you unintentionally will be spending less time with your partner but fix that time for some other day and not let your spouse ever think that you are neglecting them.
Express yourself at the point only when it hurts, don’t keep it for long
When you feel that something is going wrong from your partner’s side, tell them immediately and fix it. If you try keeping things long in your heart they are surely going to burst out one day and make a big disaster, which could have been protected if you would have had a conversation with them earlier.
Don’t expect something from your partner which you, yourself do not want to do
Always expecting more and more from your partner will deceive you because they also have some expectations from you, which you also need to fulfill and make them happy. When you, yourself don’t feel like doing it, do not even demand it for your partner.
Better relationships will be when both want to give and no one wants to receive that’s the best relationship.
Forgive things easily before stretching them and making them bitter
If you have any problem with your spouse, talk to them directly regarding it and when you talk keep it straight and not like stretching it again and again. When your partner has got the issue and totally listened to it, there is no need to repeat that again, it will only irritate them more and they will try avoiding it. So, sometimes you can forgive things on your part and save your relationship and not letting your ego overpower you in this.
“For Relationships to be long-lasting at least one of the partners has to have a higher mindset. You have to be careful while choosing words to speak, be it any successful marriage, nobody can tolerate evil words from their loved ones and forgive them easily for that, so, never get at that point. Make your bond like the one people admire and not the one who they don’t want them to associate with”.
“When you love somebody genuinely their smile matters the most to you and you will do anything or everything to keep that smile, so never ruin that smile by hurting your partner, if you have any complaints from them, sit together to express your problem and make them respect your concern, automatically it will turn to a happy marriage forever and ever…love your spouse”.
After reading how to avoid an argument with your spouse I am sure you would want to read how to remain tension free: https://sudarshanpurohit.com/how-to-remain-tension-free/
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Co-Writer – Jyoti Bakshi