How to be Happy at the end of a relationship.
“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfilment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
― Tom Robbins.
If the weight of these words spoken by novelist Tom Robbins were Truly understood by every single person to ever exist, we’d have the perfect world, wouldn’t we? That’s the best part about life, we aren’t granted anything by demand. We live, we love, and we learn, we succeed which makes everything more worthwhile. In the real world or the way Astronomer, Carl Sagan would put it “in this speck of dust we call the earth that is suspended on a sunbeam”, the most essential part of our lives are relationships, not professional relationships, but the relationships with the people we love the most.
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Make no mistake Relationships are the single most important part of you and your life. It’s the source of all your best memories and it ironically is the source of your worst memories. So how do we protect and ensure the healthy nature in these relationships that we so deeply desire? And how do we cope with a relationship that was abandoned by the other person?
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the more people are positive in relationships the more successful the relationships will be.
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In a study by the University of Chicago researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news either with excitement, pride, or indifference is crucial in forming a strong bond.
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The New York Times breaks this down as: Constructive support is generally better for a relationship than detachment, as many people have learned the hard way. Couples who lace their arguments with sarcasm and mean jabs, studies find, are usually headed for a split. But in their analysis of response styles, the researchers found that it was the partners’ reactions to their loved ones’ victories, small and large, that most strongly predicted the strength of the relationships. Four of the couples had broken up after two months, and the women in these pairs rated their partners’ usual response to good news as particularly uninspiring.
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Jordan B Peterson, a World-renowned Canadian clinical Psychologist and author of the book “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos”, also is a Hero to many young men and women, Including Myself, Puts it very clearly and very intelligibly.
On his account, Dr Peterson says that we must not situate the seed of making the other person feel less or Stupid. It orbits around the ground reality that despite the fact that it might make you feel more powerful and controlling, but in reality, it does exactly the opposite. When it comes to Spouses and partners it’s important to note that these are the most intimate and private relationships a person maintains in his/her lifetime.
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Studies show that divorce rates have surged over the last 150 years. While Sexual dissatisfaction, Financial insecurities seem to be some of the more visible reasons, some of the other reasons for detachment and separation suggested include infidelity, lack of commitment, substance use, conflicts and arguing.
In the case that there’s a fight or an argument, Dr Peterson suggests that delivering the least amount of Information to the other Person is the strategy to pick. What he suggests by this is that instead of pointing out the bad aspects to their behaviour and personality, keep quiet. Instead of Dishing out the Harshest Statements, address the issues at hand. He puts it as “Making up a plot of the fight using the past mistakes won’t make the statement look valid, instead, it’ll build-up grudge”. This is applicable to nearly every relationship and not just the ones with spouses and partners.
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So, the question that remains is how do we cope with relationships that were brought to an abrupt end by your counterpart? Most people struggle to answer this question.
Does finding another person to fill the void that was left behind an option to consider immediately? Or is the widely suggested idea that alcohol and other substances are good replacements to drown out emotions at that point a good idea?
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No, none of these options, as proven time and again by science and research are healthy or constructive. The best way to cope with losing relationships that we admired are finding productive patterns of behaviour that help us navigate and mitigate the anger, pain, sorrow that were generated.
These behavioural patterns can include Exercise, travelling (which is an average favourite choice), listening to music and identifying and talking to people who are ready to listen to you instead of saying “I told you so” or the friends that drop sarcastic thrusts. These are some of the designs we must implement. In the event that we have a friend who is going through these cathartic times, we must also plant these ideas in their minds.
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Another set of strategies include grasping the moral of the story that ended, figure out who that person was, and try to identify what went wrong. When we can differentiate between reality and what we thought would be real we can be better prepared when if we choose to that is, enter another relationship.
Over the years Multiple Psychological and Independent Studies show that Suicides due to relationship problems are at 40%. Now while it may seem that the problem at hand is inescapable and mentally unforgiving, it truly isn’t.
The complexity of the problem, while it may seem difficult, is not hard to understand at all. To let go is a gift that most people wish they were taught earlier on because the mental trauma and the mental agony which lead to mental health problems such as obsessive thoughts are just not worth it.
Life is short, we stay here for a very small, diminutive amount of time, and we must consistently remember that the Time that is lost never comes back. Consider Taking up a habit of studying about the cosmos or aerospace as a habit, because as proven, it broadens our minds and makes us truly understand how petty emotions like anger, jealousy, hatred, ego truly are.
In the end, all that truly matters is that the ones who truly love and admire us stay with us till the end. The best way to cope with relationships is to learn and do better. Time is finite, Life is short and we must always do better and be better.
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